Lazy Seamstress

More Quiltr'ing

2012-01-28T17:03:00.001Z

quiltr flossies garden 4, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I did wonder if I could upload these quilts direct to spoonflower to make cheaters quilts, but the sizes are all a bit squiffy, shame really, it could be interesting I think. (Though I may be alone with that thought.)

These were made with my Flossies Garden designs, not all sucessful, but fun to play with the colours and shapes so instantly.

Quiltr

2012-01-25T20:59:00.001Z

family portrait, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I can see me losing my grip on time with this.
Quiltr is fun quilt making with your flickr photos.
Check it out here.

Week two and week three

2012-01-22T15:38:00.001Z

week 2, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I am still trying to take photos of the childen each week, can't say I'm very happy with the results so far, but I wont get any better unless I keep trying.

Ernest turned 18 months at the beginning of the week, and today Florence would be 30 months, 2 1/2 years old.
I keep thinking of things I might want to say about that, but I can't find just the right words, and anyway, I'm pretty sure I've said it all before, over and over, and over again.
Thank goodness for Angie, and Catherine, and my other babyloss friends who say it all so much better than I can.

Sunshine!

2012-01-12T20:57:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

It's been grey grey grey here recently, pretty typical for January in the Noth West, usually with lashings of rain. Today though, the sun shone and the sky was blue. It was cold and windy, but we headed off to the park anyway, and had it all to ourselves.

My Busy Little Guy

2012-01-10T16:42:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Ernest is such a busy little fellow, and I've discovered that staying one step ahead of him is what's required before chaos reigns.
I admit, I've been a little slow to realise this. I rather stupidly expected Ernest to be just like my big boys, placid, calm and happy to play quietly at my feet as I potter, I hate to admit it, but I thought a couple of children back that I had this whole parenting lark pretty figured out, at least as far as babies were concerned. I think it's safe to say that Florence and Ernest have taught me that actually I knew very little.
Today I captured a few of our busy moments.
Playing with gloop gave me enough time to clear away the breakfast things.

Ernest hasn't played with cornflour gloop before, and wouldn't touch it. He was fascinated though, and used the spoon to mix and pour.

When he'd had enough of that, he got to finish off the washing up while I put on another load of laundry.

Time finally for a snack, but Ernest wanted to butter his own toast.

I just love the concentration on his face in all of these photos, and mostly I'm just so very glad he's here to surprise me, and teach me how to be his Mummy. x

OOOOh Treasure!

2012-01-07T09:58:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Ernest had his little buddy over to play yesterday, and they both had fun exploring the treasure basket I put together last week!

Really, Ernest is a little old for the treasure basket, his younger friend really enjoyed it though.

Honestly, it tastes much better than it looks!

2012-01-05T22:27:00.001Z

Honestly, it tastes much better than it looks!, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Green Soup, attractive name too eh? This is one of my family's favourites, it's really simple, really tasty and only about 90 calories a bowl, if my fitness pal is to be trusted.
Of course, if like me you have it with croutons and a bread roll warm from the oven slathered with butter, those 90 calories have increased somewhat!

Ingredients:

1 tbsp olive oil
1 medium onion diced
1 large courgette grated
1 bowl of frozen peas
1 bowl of frozen spinach
stock cube (we use Kallo organic veg stock)

Simply heat the oil in a large pan, add the chopped onion, and the grated courgette.
Cook gently then add the nutmeg and the stock, plus enough water to make up the soup. (I use a kettle full, plus a little bit...how's that for technical?)
Add the peas and the spinach and simmer for approx 20 minutes.
Blend and serve with warm crusty bread and maybe a swirl of cream if you fancy it.

I haven't just been making soup today, I've also been chasing chickens around the garden after their enclosure blew down, and I finally put the snaps on the nappies I made for Ernest last week.

All in all a not too shabby day.

A Challenge!

2012-01-03T13:40:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

After seeing the beautiful photographs a friend took of her four children last year, I have been inspired to try and do the same this year with my children.
Not so easy!
Firstly there is the problem of including Florence. I decided eventually that we will include her by including her little bunny that usually sits next to her photograph in my bedroom.
I thought maybe the bunny could be like the Usbourne duck, always included, but not always obvious....we'll see how that works out.
With a brief spell of good light in the lounge this morning, I quickly gathered the children together for a simple shot on the sofa...well it was meant to be simple!
63 shots later, and the pic above is the best shot, I think I've got my work cut out with this lot!

Cold

2012-01-02T16:42:00.003Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Cold Fingers,
Cold Toes,
Pink Sky,
Pink Nose..... Shirley Hughes

A wintery walk to work off all those chocolates, and blow away the excesses of Christmas ready for work and school this week.

Another Year

2012-01-01T10:25:00.006Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This year promises change.
Woody starts a new job on Tuesday which will hopefully mean he'll be happier than he has been for some time in his old job.
My lovely friends and I are moving our community babywearing library, Slinging In The Rain to a lovely new Venue, and running it weekly alongside our new Venture, The Sling School.
I will be starting work as a childminder looking after one little boy who I already love like he is my own.
I will be working towards and hopefully qualifying at something very close to my heart, but which I can't really talk about yet.
And I'm also head full of ideas for my little Flossie's Garden.....We are getting those extra hours in the day this year I hope?
India will be finishing her GCSE's this Summer, and has great plans for her prom dress, which I will be making if she doesn't drive me potty before then. Heather was a much easier customer for her wedding dress.

I think last night was the first New Years Eve I've stayed awake until Midnight in several years.
We went to the cemetery at dusk , taking roses and another ice lantern for Florence.

We tidied up the christmas tree and decorations

We shared our usual Saturday night pizza, and settled down to watch a movie with the children. I admit, I did fall asleep during the movie...Horrid Henry not recommended if you are over maybe 8 years old! (I only really watched to catch a glimpse of Noel Fielding, but even he didn't spark my interest much, he was looking like a rather portly child catcher, very dissapointing!)

Sid and Ernest were both snoring by 10pm, but Angus and the big girls stayed up until midnight.

The sky was full of fireworks and lots of sky lanterns. I can't help seeing sky lanterns (or balloons) as representing someone loved and lost, so seeing all those lanterns floating across the sky was quite lovely , but also poignant.

Today, I will be taking down the last of the Christmas decorations, wrapping carefully in tissue all the beautiful ornaments we have collected for Florence over the past three years.

We are so blessed to have friends who remember Florence with us all year round, and then others near and far who send decorations. Thank you, you know who you are. x

And from us this year:

Wishing all who read here a peaceful and beautiful 2012.

A little bit of organisation

2011-12-31T14:22:00.003Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I do love a good tidy up, often if I'm stressed a good sort out of a cupboard or drawer can really help me relax.
Last evening I had the urge to tidy and reorganise Ernest's toys and books.
I do wish I had more space to rotate toys out on display, but sadly that's not an option right now, instead we just have to keep everything to a minimum...though I refuse to throw out the wooden puzzles with a piece missing, because I know as soon as I do the missing pieces will show up! Instead those puzzles are in a box tucked out of sight.
I've labelled all the toy boxes in the misguided belief that the children will all put everything back in the right boxes at the end of each day, and anyway I thought they might go down well at my forthcoming Ofsted inspection.

I think another trip to jolly old Ikea is needed for a few more baskets, some dolls and some play kitchen equipment.

I also had great fun last night putting together a treasure basket and a toddler basket.
I usually collect together non toy things I think Ernest will enjoy exploring, I've done it with all of my children, but I've never actually purposefully made a treasure basket before...more brownie points from Ofsted I hope.

I found these articles very helpful and interesting.
My toddler basket doesn't strictly follow the heuristic play rules, I've just popped things in there I either already know, or think will occupy Ernest.
There's the pipe cleaners woven through a holey pot .

The straws in a bottle

Plus various other household items he can stack, make patterns with or just generally use to experiment.

Some utility stitching

2011-12-29T11:01:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Ernest has been wearing disposable nappies (Shock horror!) for several months now. I don't like them, they smell funny, they don't work terribly well, they create so much waste, but I've been struggling with the laundry mountain, and Ernest is the wriggliest of all my children when it comes to nappy changes, my beloved terry nappies are a disaster with such a wriggler.
I prefer cloth nappies, and it does seem rather odd that as a former nappy designer I should have my Ernie in disposables, so yesterday I set about using up the last of my nappy making fabrics to make him some Tiddlybums, which I guess these days might be considered pretty retro. (they were afterall designed nearly 10 years ago!)
My last pieces of burley knit terry and killington flannel, all gone, which makes me feel slightly on edge...I'm sure other fabric addicts reading might understand that.
I still have about 2000 Tiddlybums labels to use up...ideas of what to do with them on a postcard please!
Hoping Ernest will oblige with a good long nap today so I can finish these nappies and make room for more interesting stitching.

I also whipped up four new pairs of wool longies from Grandad's old golf sweaters.
Ernest is wearing a pair today (over a disposable), I did try to get a photograph, but the results are all rather blurry...

He's fast up those stairs!

Ice Lanterns

2011-12-27T09:24:00.008Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I hadn't really heard of Ice Lanterns until I read about them here.I thought they sounded, and looked lovely and really wanted to have a go at making them for Florence's grave for Christmas eve.
I half followed the instructions given, but I forgot to take out the middle section and had to defrost a little and then re freeze.
I used some plastic tubs and for the mid section some metal yeast tubs.
Woody came up with a plan to use pennies to weight down the middle section, which worked better, since we could remove the pennies and use warm water in the yeast tubs to remove them easily from the frozen lantern.

Such a simple idea, but so effective when lit.

After the success of the grave lanterns I thought I'd experiment with making a large lantern for the Christmas dinner table.
This time I used a large ice cream tub, filled it about 1/3 of the way with water and left it to freeze solid. Then I added my weighted yeast tin, which sat nicely on the frozen water. I surrounded this with water and dropped in some holly berries and tiny pine cones from the garden.
I left this to freeze until about 15 minutes before dinner, then removed the yeast tin with a little hot water, and added my candle.

I did have to sit the lantern on a saucer to catch the drips, but it was so pretty and just kept on getting prettier as the ice melted and the berries and pinecones appeared.

I'll definately be making these again. x

For Florence...

2011-12-24T16:39:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

...and for all your babies too.
I made these ice lanterns and we took them to the cemetery at dusk. We lit them for Florence and for everyone else missing their children this evening.
Wishing you all peace at Christmas. x

sunbeam

2011-12-18T13:08:00.001Z

sunbeam, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

The sun shone today as we decorated Florence's grave for Christmas. India captured these images, and they've lifted my heart a little.
We shouldn't be decorating a grave, we should be wrapping gifts for a two and a half year old little girl.
Instead she gets a little pink tree covered in butterflies and pretty blue baubles.

Decorating for Xmas

2011-12-17T17:38:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

And finding I'm cross, so very very cross. I don't want to be. I want to be elegant and dignified in my two and a half year old grief, but it doesn't really work like that.

My new fireplace....more make do and mending

2011-12-10T14:59:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've been meaning to do this for ages. My fireplace was very orange pine, and despite Woody's obvious worry about me painting the fireplace, I went ahead and did it anyway. I really like it, and I'm pleased to say Woody does too.
I really wanted to buy a nice new mirror, something in an old silver or gold, but finances are super tight so instead I've painted the old one in a shabby chic rustic style.I think it needs a little wax rubbed in and possibly a touch of metallic...

I've also finally got around to giving my ancient and much used nursing chair a set of new covers.

This chair was given to me by my lovely friend Anton, sadly lost to breast cancer almost seven years ago.
I'm pretty certain it was second hand when she first got it for her children, it's rocked a lot of babies over the years.
I have fond memories of breastfeeding my children in this chair, but especially Angus who would share my lap with his best friend James who would be feeding from a bottle at the same time.
Now that the chair has new covers I'm also pondering painting the frame.....

Things are still massively hectic around here, which is probably a good thing. I haven't had time to think too much about Christmas. About our third Christmas without Florence. Every now and again, I let my guard slip and find I'm in a puddle of tears. They don't last long. I don't let them. I'm too busy to let them.

So dark!

2011-12-04T16:32:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

It's so very dark today. I finally got around to re covering this chair,but I can't get any decent photos, it's soooo dark!
Trying to cosy up my lounge in time for Christmas, and also in time for my Ofsted inspection which is looming.
I haven't mentioned it here before, but I'm in the process of becoming a registered childminder so that I can take care of a very special little one in April when his Mummy goes back to work.
There's a lot to do. I've completed the pre registration course, and updated my first aid certificate. Now I'm concentrating on preparing my home and myself for the inspection.
That's just another thing that's been keeping me busy right now.
There was time today mid chair covering to stop for a snuggle, some milk and a nap.

PS, winners of the giveaway, scroll down to the next post......

25 Days of Giveaways...The Winners!

2011-12-04T10:06:00.002Z

Thank you so much to everyone who left comments yesterday. I wish I had a dove for each and every one of you. I'm sorry I don't, but I'm sending each of you my love this Christmas, wishing for peace in your hearts and thinking of all your little ones who are so missed.

so, using Random.Org, I've picked four winners:

Mackenzie's Mommy

Gnomes

Caroline

Jessica

Please email me your addresses to jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com
I'll get these off to you asap. x

25 Days of giveaways, Day 3

2011-12-03T09:14:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Today is my turn to take part in this years 25 Days of Giveaways. This is the third year of taking part for me, and I'm glad to be participating again.
The first year I took part, I remember vividly sitting (too) quietly sewing away and making my giveaways. For me, stitching, creating is a kind of meditation, it calms my soul, it gives me a focus, and that first year I was so very glad to be making something and desperate to send some love out into the world to other parents hurting like I was.
I still feel this way. I don't (thankfully) have the quiet and the time these days, but I made time for this project. I needed that little slice of time to create and to hopefully stitch a little love into these little birds to send out to those that need it.

Long time readers will recognise these little birds. I first used them on baby carriers I made while pregnant with Florence, and then on her burial gown. I've also used them in her memory book, on clothing for myself,and even incorporated them into a fabric design.

I guess these little birds will always remind me of Florence.

I have four of these to give away. I was hoping for more, but at midnight last night, with raw fingers and tired eyes I realised it was time to sleep and stop stitching.
This is what the birds looked like at tea time yesterday.

So, I don't think I did too badly...well ok, I am dissapointed in myself that I couldn't get more completed, but hey...

So, if you would like one of these little doves to come and live with you, if you have lost a child through miscarriage,stillbirth, neo natal death or any other reason, please leave me a comment.
Tell me if you have a little somerhing always associated with your child.
I will leave this give away up for a full 24 hours to give all my international readers a chance to leave a comment. (It's 9.10 am as I type)
then I will use random.org to pick four winners.
Love to you all. x

Twenty Five Days Of Giveaways 2011

2011-11-28T12:20:00.002Z

It's that time of year again, and I'm pleased to say I'm taking part for the third year running in the Twenty Five Days of Giveaways for babyloss parents. Click the button for more details, and pop back here on Saturday for my give away.

Shower Caps

2011-11-11T07:49:00.003Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've been meaning to make myself a shower cap for ages, just haven't found the time, something in very short supply around here right now.
Two of my lovely friends had birthdays this week though, and both have just had new bathrooms fitted, so they both had the dubious pleasure of being the first victims of my shower cap attempts.

I did throw in a little zippered pouch each and a jar of vanilla sugar scrub too.

I used the fab, super quick and easy tutorial for the pouch from the lovely Snug Bug.

I will make myself a shower cap too, and maybe share a tutorial here.

The Sling School

2011-11-09T13:16:00.003Z

the sling school temp header, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

One of the things that's been keeping me so busy lately.
Almost six years after founding Manchester's first Slingmeet, my good friends, Rachel, Souad, Dominique, and myself have started working together on Manchester's first Babywearing Consultancy
It's exciting and nerve wrecking all at once.
This is our temporary banner, we have a fab new logo being designed , and hopefully will be ready to unveil very soon.
We are going to be offering babywearing classes from mid January 2012 at Glo Family in Cheadle...fab fab premises, with so much for little ones and their parents.
For all you local Mamas (and Papas), take a look at our website, and let us know what you think. x

So pleased with myself!

2011-11-02T16:44:00.001Z

So pleased with myself!, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I made a cake!
November is Newvember, try something new every day in November. Doesn't have to be a big thing, just something small to improve your day.
Yesterday we left for school ten minutes early and instead of walking our usual route along a very busy road, we diverted through the park.
It was lovely, peaceful and a few moments of calm before school. I don't know why we haven't ever done it before.

Today I decided I wanted to bake a chocolate cake for tea. I never bake anything except a very simple apple cake, so this stupidly childish chocolate cake decorated with milky way magic stars is quite an achievement for me.
I feel like a proper grown up Mummy!

My Invisible Daughter

2011-10-31T11:25:00.002Z

She's just not important to most people, not relevant, they don't need to know she even existed. It doesn't matter to those who ask about my family that I have five or six children, both are big numbers, both raise an eyebrow, but the dead daughter makes people shudder, and shift uncomfortably in their shoes, so I don't always mention her.
It doesn't really matter, except it does, because each time my heart breaks. My beautiful girl, my beautiful beautiful longed for, loved little girl, and she's just not relevant, not worth mentioning.
She was 9lbs, 3 1/2 ounces, she had a little red/brown hair, and long fingers and toes just like me. She had big feet and a round tummy.I think her eyes were blue....she is so so relevant, and I love her, I miss her with every fibre of my being, and I have to keep it in, speak the right words at official meetings, not upset anyone, but I want to scream, and cry and yell.
I want to say "yes, Sid is a reserved little boy, and yes he always was, but he's thinking thinking all the time. And did you know he held his baby sister in his arms after she died? Did you know, my beautiful boy who doesn't say much came to me the other day to tell me he knew why his sister died? He wanted to go and tell the doctors, it was because her heart stopped. He thought he had the answer"
I don't say that though, I say yes he's a quiet little guy, yes his writing is coming on, and his maths too.."
And anyway I don't want to scare his lovely new young teacher with stories of dead children, I don't want her to think I'm that strange woman who relates eveything back to her dead daughter...

Sometimes....

2011-10-28T15:59:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

....You need to say "Sod it" to the housework, and the to do list, put on your wellies and head for the woods. Which is exactly what we did this afternoon.
We went on one of our fave walks in Styal, Quarry Bank Mill. The walk is just long enough to run off boy energy, and get everyone refreshed.
Yep, I've still got an untidy house, but it was worth it.

Flossies Garden autumn Sale!

2011-10-28T10:40:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Clearing out my Etsy store ready for new stock, and all pinafores are now reduced to clear. Some, like this one are half price with free shipping in the UK, so grab a bargain while they are there!
x

Click on the linkie in my side bar. x

Making a start

2011-10-25T09:46:00.001Z

new blinds, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

As my real life friends know only too well, my lounge has been in dire need of face lift for some time, and this weekend I finally made a start on the long list of "to dos".
I started with the blinds. These blinds have been upcycled so many times now, I think I might deserve some sort of recyclers award!
They started life as curtains twelve years ago when we moved here.
We moved from a two up two down terrace, with tiny windows, so were not prepared for large bay windows, and the previous owners had taken the curtains with them.
We bought the only pair of ready made curtains we could find that fitted our non standard sized window. The only pair we could afford at the time, and in a hurry. They were honestly a bit blah!
Soon realising that we were not going to be able to afford full length and generously gathered curtains for this window, I decided to make the curtains into roman blinds.
We lived with those until about six years ago when I re covered them with teal and brown silk.
And now, I've removed the teal and brown silk, replaced the cords, and any broken rings, and re covered this time with Joel Dewberry fabric and dupion silk.
So, four incarnations from one set of boring high street curtains, that's pretty impressive "make do and mending" I think!

Still Life Video Blogging

2011-10-24T11:38:00.002Z

After reading Angie's idea for video blogging,here I knew I wanted to take part, but I was also terrified, actually still am. My video is uploading as I type (I hope!) and I think I might have to just add it, grit my teeth and press publish before I change my mind.
Just quickly going through the video on my camera, I wish I'd chosen a better angle/better lighting, but vain as I am, I can't read through it again simply for my vanity, so you get the tired looking drained me ...sorry!

And you know something, seeing these words spoken by me, with my things around me, I still can't quite believe that yes, my daughter died.

Fancy a cuppa?

2011-10-17T06:52:00.002Z

I love a good cup of tea, I'm addicted to the stuff. I probably drink around 8 cups a day, well mugs really, giant comforting mugs of tea.My Mum will deny it, but I was given tea in a bottle as a baby...with planty of sugar in!!
This advertisement for tea has caught my eye recently, each time it appears on tv I'm captivated, it's only an advert for tea, but to me as a babylost Mama it tells another story.

"Teddy"

2011-10-16T14:08:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've never been very good at making dolls, my attempt today to make the little doll from Anna Maria Horner's book , Handmade Beginnings, was nothing short of a disaster. I shoved the poor lumpy bumpy strangely alien looking baby in the bag of toy stuffing , but Ernest fished her out, exclaimed "Teddy", gave her a kiss and toddled off with her!

2011-10-15T19:38:00.004Z

Tonight we are remembering...

Sarah,Beth,Oliver,Charlotte,Freddie,Hope,Cullen,Emma,Peyton,Evel,Calypso,Henry,Lucia,
Margot,Joseph,Reid,Henry,Georgina,Iris,Ava,Micah,Teddy,Sophia and Ellie,Haloumi,Silas,Emma and Chase,Aquila,Isabella,Maddy,Ferdinand,Angel Mae,George,Olivia,Hannah,Micheal and an angel,Isabelle,Ellie,Emily Grace and Chloe Anne,India and her angel siblings,Erin, Elias,Henry Suzy and Cosmo, Jacob,James,Ryan,Alice, Christian,Lesley,Harvey,Meredith and of course our beautiful Florence Violet.
and there are more, so many more, too many more...

If I've missed your baby from the list above give me a prod and I'll add them, similarly if I've included your baby and you'd rather I hadn't just mail me and I'll sort it

Wave of light

2011-10-15T07:43:00.001Z

Wave of light, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day across the world. We would like to invite you to take part in the global 'Wave of Light'. Simply light a candle at 7pm and leave it burning for at least 1 hour to join us in remembering all babies that have died during pregnancy, at, during or after birth.
This can be done individually or in a group, at home or in a communal space. Wherever you do this, you will be joining a global wave of light in memory of all the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time.
www.babyloss-awareness.org

Priorities

2011-10-14T14:04:00.000Z

I'm really struggling with priorities at the moment. I seem to be involved in several different projects all at once on top of the general mumming of five lively children, which really is a full time job on it's own, and obviously my family are my number one priority.
My mind skips about from one barely finished, or in some cases barely started project to another, and I long for some peace, a moment to sit and read something other than the speed reading of an email or forum post. I dream of sitting feet up in my jammies with a cuppa and watching an old movie without any disturbances,(except maybe a cuddle or two) or having time to finally cast on that sweater for Ernest...
My sweet beautiful full of life Ernest, who is the busiest of all of my children, even Eden. I remember feeling Florence tumbling about in my belly and thinking how she'd be the busy one, a gymnast like Eden, never still.
Ernest though, he climbs,he climbs bookshelves, he climbs over the backs of chairs, he climbs the stairs,onto steps and into the sink....he's even wriggly when he sleeps.

He managed to pull my pump over the other day and snap off some fairly crucial parts, that was a moment or two of horror for Woody and I. We bodged it together and have some replacement parts on the way thankfully.

Of course, he's adorable, my little thrill seeker, and possibly the best excuse for falling behind with everything else.

Stitching back together

2011-10-09T11:46:00.002Z

I made this little heart way back when I was first pregnant with Florence, and when I was nesting later in my pregnancy I hung it on the door of her little cupboard that I'd painted for her, and had filled with clothes and nappies and all things newborn.
It's been hanging there all this time, but some of the stitches had come loose, and the stuffing was falling out. I'd look at it each time I pulled out an outfit or nappy for Ernest, but I didn't take it upstairs and fix it.
Today, I took it upstairs and stitched it back together, I used slightly mismatched thread, no one will notice, but I know.

I've been trying, and mostly failing to catch up with all the little jobs around here that have been neglected. One of them was to finally hang this painting. My mother in law bought this in memory of Florence just after she was born, but not thinking straight I simply shoved it in a cupboard. I unearthed it recently (along with another gift from that time.) read the inscription on the back and decided to hang it above Florence's cupboard in the children's bathroom. It looks rather sweet up there I think.

the dawn that woke me this morning.

2011-10-02T17:06:00.004Z

the dawn thathttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif woke me this morning., originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Each morning the sun streams into our bedroom, sometimes just for a short while before the customary clouds blot it out.
Each morning as those sunbeams peek through the curtains or light up the bathroom as I shower, I whisper a good morning to Florence.
I've done this since that morning two years ago when stood crying in the shower I was suddenly bathed in golden autumn sunlight.
This morning the dawn light was glowing so brightly it woke me up. My little girl, dancing light across the sky and calling "wake up Mama".
It's nonsense, but it doesn't matter, it eases my heart.

Autumn is nearly here

2011-09-25T15:17:00.001Z

cleo, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Life around here hasn't got any quieter since the children went back to school. I seem to be busier than ever.
I'm hoping to find my new rhythm over the next few weeks though.
I can slowly feel the particular kind of fog that accompanies taking care of a baby lifting, and with it maybe finally a sense of our new normal.
Maybe finally I can see how our family is, and maybe even a sense of the future?
Of course, there are still moments, days even. Like last weekend.
I was at a communication skills workshop, amongst friends, and not really expecting the emotions to come to the surface that did, but I'm glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. It's still so much of a surprise to me to see the new me. I'm not sure I like her much, but I'm getting more used to her.

Today we have been readying the garden a little for winter, giving the chickens enclosure a good clear out and arranging things so they have more space to scratch about.
They come out to play most days now and are so cute following the shake shake of the worms in the tub.

If I haven't got a baby in my arms, I've got a chicken!

And is it weird to want my hair the same colour as Cleo's feathers?

Very nearly walking

2011-09-14T12:58:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Ernest is taking his tentative first steps.
We finally had a little photoshoot with the outfit I designed for his birthday and didn't finish in time.

He looks cute, but he's currently playing a rough game with his big brother!

Skirtember

2011-09-10T15:19:00.007Z

I love skirts,and dresses. I only own one pair of jeans and a pair of running trousers, so wear skirts and dresses most days. I find them so much more practical than jeans...no soggy hems after school runs in the rain for one thing.
So when I heard about Skirtember I knew I was going to have to join in,(though not on facebook, my piccies are on flickr) and so far I've had fun. I do wear skirts every day, but it's nice to think a little bit more about what I'm going to wear each day and maybe even to push myself out of my comfort zone a little too. I've realised I wear an awful lot of plain black v neck t shirts with my skirts and I think I need to consider some alternatives.
I've also realised I probably need to accessorize a bit more than I currently do.
Mostly though, this little bit of frivolous fun with clothes is a nice break for my tired brain, and it's good for me too I'm sure.

To celebrate Skirtember, and to enable a few of you reading I thought I'd share my favourite way of drafting a simple A line skirt. Skirts are so easy to make, and once you've tried this simple method for drafting your own A line skirt, it's so easy to adjust your pattern to make other skirts, maybe a wrap, maybe a pleated skirt, or maybe just experiment with fabrics and applique and trims.

I would say these instructions are probably suitable for someone who has a little sewing experience, but if you get stuck mail me, and I'll try my best to help you out.
I should point out that this method is not exactly the "correct" method, but it works well for me, and rules are there to be broken anyway!

Making The Pattern

Materials Needed:
Dressmakers graph paper
Tracing paper
HB pencil
Ruler
Tape measure
French curve or flexible curve (optional)

Take your measurements:
a) skirt length, length you want your skirt to be
b) waist measurement .
c) hip measurement
d) waist to hip , distance vertically between waist measurement and hip measurement.

I round up any measurements just to be sure the skirt will fit, I'd rather have a skirt that's too big and needs taking in, than a skirt that's too small.

Drawing the pattern:
Using a sharp pencil and ruler transfer your measurements onto the graph paper as follows:
a skirt length
b waist measurement plus 4 cms ease, and then divided by 4 (eg: 84cm waist will become 88cm,divided becomes 22cm)
c hip plus 4cms ease divided by 4
d waist to hip

Join all measurements together.

Using your french curve/flexible ruler, or just by eye curve up the hem as shown on the diagram (e)

Again using your curve or by eye curve down the waist, (f) this is your back cutting line. Mark a further
curve approx 2.5 cms below this (g), this is your front waist cutting line.

At this point trace the pattern piece into two, (one front piece and one back piece.)
Don't forget this pattern piece does not at this point include any seam or hem allowances. You can either
add these on now, or at the cutting stage.
(1.5 cm seam allowance , 2.5cm hem allowance )

You should now have two pattern pieces that look something like this:

NB Before cutting into your best piece of fabric to make your skirt, try out your pattern with some fabric you are not in love with. Even an old bedsheet will work, just in case you need to add a few cms here and there.

Making The Skirt

Materials Needed:

Approx 2 metres of your chosen fabric (for an average size 10-12)
Matching sewing thread
invisible skirt zip
bias binding
hook and eye

Cutting Out :

Press your fabric with selvedges together, and place your pattern pieces with the centre front/centre back on the fold.
Pin in place, and cut out carefully.(remember if you haven't already add your seam allowances.)

You should now have two pieces, one front and one back.

Making Up:

Neaten the raw seams of each side of the skirt pieces using your preferred method.

Insert the invisible zip in the left hand side seam . This you tube video explains very clearly how to do this. (and saves me the bother!)

Work the side seams

Press.

With the skirt inside out, try it on and work out where you need to add darts. Two at the front, and two at the back. You may need to get a friend to help you with this bit.You may have measured so accurately that you find you don't need darts, or perhaps just at the back of the skirt. Don't worry if this is the case, your skirt will be finished all the sooner!

Once happy with the position of the darts, work those and press to the centre.

With right sides together sew the bias binding to the waist edge, and press, tucking in the raw edges at either end.

Stitch binding in place.
Press

Add hook and eye fastening.

Work hem. Press

Your skirt is now complete, but why not add some detail? Maybe a patch pocket, applique or trim. Use your imagination and have fun!

Happy Birthday Dad!

2011-09-02T10:14:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

My Dad would've turned 70 today. 70!! I can't even imagine him as such an old man, he died when he was only 46.
Happy Birthday Dad, love you. x

So, I cut my own hair...

2011-09-01T08:28:00.002Z

So, I cut my own hair..., originally uploaded by indiaeden.

And this is the photo I just sent to Woody...just waiting for the phone call.....

I woke up this morning to glorious September sunshine, and decided I needed a change.
While sipping my morning cuppa and catching up with blogland I was reminded that Cedar over at The Vintage housewife had today added my little blog button to her sidebar.
Browsing around her lovely blog, I came upon this tutorial to cut your own fringe, and since I've been wanting a fringe for a while,I thought "why not?".
I always used to cut my own hair when I was younger, and I'm not really precious about my hair,so I fished out the scissors.
It's really hard to photograph your own hair without looking sort of ridiculous,so this is the best I could manage. You'll just have to take my word for it, that actually the fringe kinda works...just don't look too closely, especially if you are a hairdresser!!

Sand in the sandwiches

2011-08-31T15:30:00.001Z

Angus beach, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Sand in the sandwiches,
Sand in the tea,
Flat, wet sand running
Down to the sea.
Pools full of seaweed,
Shells and stones,
Damp bathing suits
And ice-cream cones.
Waves pouring in
To a sand-castle moat.
Mend the defenses!
Now we're afloat!
Water's for splashing,
Sand is for play.
A day by the sea
Is the best kind of day.

by Shirley Hughes

We braved the sea side on Monday.Llanddona on Anglesey. It was windy, really windy.
Angus had to sit on the beach tent to stop it blowing away.

I was determined to picnic on the beach, despite the wind, much to Grandmas amusement.

At least the weather was good for kite flying!

I did admit defeat eventually and allowed Grandma home to her warm fire, while we headed off for more seaside adventures at Penmon and a wander around Beaumaris.

We ended the day cosy in The Ship Inn at Red Wharf Bay, where we all ate delicious food before heading home.

Megan It's You!

2011-08-31T06:14:00.000Z

Hey Megan, I need to send you some knickers! Email me with your address and I'll get them off to you asap. x

Knickers!

2011-08-27T15:38:00.003Z

Today has been something of a wash out. I should have known really. I was far too organised last evening getting my machines set up for some sewing today. Ernest decided that last night he was going to wake up hourly, just enough to wake me up and then he'd settle for another hour.
Between 2 and 3am, I was up to pump, and then just as I sank back under the covers and closed my eyes Ernest woke again.
Thankfully we don't usually have too many nights like this, at least we haven't. I'm really hoping this isn't the sign of things to come.
Like most parents of small children I can cope with a certain level of sleep deprivation, but it doesn't take much more to push me over the edge.
Of course, I try to stay cheerful (actually Woody would wholeheartedly disagree with that statement today.),after all at least I have Ernest here to keep me awake. I'm all too aware of how it feels to be unable to sleep because your baby isn't waking you.
These knickers are pretty much the sum of my work today. Upcycled from a dress I never wore, and I want to give them away to one of my readers.
Do you know a baby girl these would suit? They would fit babies from around 3-6months, over a cloth or disposable nappy (though really it might have to be a slim fitting cloth nappy).
They would look adorable under a dress, even over tights for those of us heading into winter, but for my antipodean friends these can be simply teamed with a little t shirt and a sunhat...love love love chunky baby thighs and bare feet in the summer.
Just leave me a comment, tell me how you cope with lack of sleep...or if you do?
I'll use random.org to pick a winner on Tuesday 30th August.

A bit of finishing off

2011-08-25T15:32:00.001Z

shopping list, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Still finishing off things here and there in the kitchen.
A couple of chalk boards.

And a chair that needed a bit of love.
From this (too orange)

To this

There's still more to do, but I got to at least cross off a few things on the list.

kitchen nearly finished.

2011-08-20T14:28:00.003Z

kitchen nearly finished., originally uploaded by indiaeden.

We finally have a new kitchen, and it's even nearly finished.
I still need to paint the ceiling (booo hissss!), and we've yet to figure out what to do with the floor on no budget, but we have a working kitchen.
We had a very small budget to do the kitchen, and we've recycled the cabinets, the cooker, the door knobs,the tiles, and some hidden bits of wood, I can't think of the proper word for.

These tile decals came from a lovely seller on Etsy. I thought 12 would be enough, but I think I might have to order some more.
I think mostly I'm pleased with the sink, it was the only thing I insisted on having, mostly because I wanted to bath Ernest in it, and hopefully my future grand children too.

Is it crazy?

2011-08-19T07:06:00.002Z

Source: amazon.co.uk via Jeanette on Pinterest

Is it crazy to buy your dead child a book?
I've wanted to buy this book for Florence for ages, but kept stopping myself, then a couple of days ago I just did it.
Maybe I am crazy, maybe those people whose eyes glaze over when I mention her again are right.
I'm not sure I really care if I am. I wanted a book I could read quietly in my head to my baby girl. I know she can't really hear me, but it soothes my soul to imagine that maybe just maybe...

You are my angel, my darling,
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

Ubiquitous

2011-08-18T19:53:00.000Z

A timely reminder.

D.I.Y

2011-08-14T13:56:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I flippin hate DIY !
I hate decorating, but funds don't stretch to getting anyone in to do it, and Woody isn't that great with a paint brush, so any painting jobs are all mine.
Today I'm painting the kitchen. I was meant to start yesterday, but kept finding other things to do instead, like taking the big girls school uniform shopping...yes even that particular hell is preferable to picking up the paint brush!
I keep telling myself, it'll all be worth it once I'm finished. Meanwhile I'm gritting my teeth, muttering to myself and believe me, there is resentment in every brush stroke.

A typical day in our summer

2011-08-11T18:47:00.002Z

lots of children for lunch, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

We started the day early. Woody had made brioche for breakfast, and India had made flapjacks that hadn't set. She hadn't used enough syrup.
So we crumbled the non set flapjacks onto a baking tray, added raisins, dates and almonds and baked in the oven, for home made granola.

Delicious sprinked generously over greek yoghurt.

We had a house full of children today, my friend Lisa came over with her four children, and while they ate lunch we stood back and admired the fruit of our wombs!!
(There's no room at the table for us too, we have to wait for our lunch.)
Later, Ernest found the food waste recycling tub, and had fun pulling apart the tea bags...it could've been worse I suppose.

I'm amazed how quickly he can cause so much havoc.

Summer Rain

2011-08-08T18:10:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Last night after I lit all the candles in the garden for Florence, we sat and ate apple cake in the kitchen, well Sid was asleep and India was watching the candles from her bedroom, but the rest of us ate cake. Woody and I drank tea, and I was glad to have my family just there, just being, and watching the glow of the candles and whispering goodnight to Florence.
Then the rain came,hard heavy rain that snuffed out the candles, but that was ok.

Today we had a trip out to Buxton on the train, and the rain just kept on coming. This time cold,and relentless.
We huddled in the bandstand with a couple of rain ragged crows for company. (And M, I thought of you and of Henry.)
After a warm up in a cafe, hot chocolates and cream teas, we were ready to face the rain once more.
Woody treated me to some lovely polish pottery egg cups, and a little pottery rabbit for Florence. I didn't tell him it was for Florence, I didn't have to.

Yesterday I finished Ernest's bubble suit. I had hoped he could wear it today and we could get some summery shots in the Pavillion Gardens, but the rain meant instead he was wearing legwarmers with his short dungarees and snuggling into me to keep warm.
Maybe we'll get more sun this holiday, I hope so, but I don't much mind the rain either.

My Flossie's Garden.

2011-08-07T20:38:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Sewing Day

2011-08-06T17:23:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Yay! I love a sewing day. Started off the day with a run...yep still running, albeit rather slowly.
I wanted to get going on the sewing by 9am, but there was tidying up to do, pumping, and budgeting....that wasn't nice at all.
I don't know if I ever mentioned here how I recently moved my sewing space back downstairs?
I just couldn't sew in the loft with Ernest crawling around the floor, it wasn't safe at all. So we moved this little desk downstairs, and it all packs away neatly when I'm not using it.

I should've taken a photo of it all packed away, but it's very neat , you'll just have to trust me on that.
I do have to steal a corner of the dining table for my overlocker.

The ironing board is set up in the kitchen.
I quite like being in the hub of the house, but I do miss being able to leave my machines set up ready to use.
One day I will have a beautiful studio....
Back to today's sewing, I got a whole pile of cloth baby wipes and face cloths whipped up out of the many millions of muslins I've collected over the years.

And I made a good start on this bubble suit.

Oh, I've cried some tears over this little romper. I designed it for Ernest to wear to my brothers wedding,but then the kitchen was midway through being installed, and I couldn't get to my machines, and I cried because I hadn't made Ernest anything at all for his birthday, and I felt like the worst mother in the world going out and buying him something to wear.
I still feel sad that he didn't get to wear it on his birthday (at my brothers wedding), but I'm trying to get over it.

Maybe I can finish it tomorrow. x

Summer Skies

2011-08-06T07:34:00.001Z

DSC_0001, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've been cloud watching. I remember those days between Florence's birth and her burial when I would lay on my bed clutching a soft doll I wanted to smell of me before it could be placed in her coffin. I would lie there watching the clouds.

Tomorrow will be two years since her burial.I've never written much about that day. I probably never will.

Summer Hols

2011-08-05T16:34:00.005Z

IMGP0135, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

So, second week of the summer hols already nearly over. It's been crazy!
Every year I think I'll get so much done, I'll work on my sketchbooks, and get through my sewing lists....
The reality is, I spend most of every day making meals and snacks and clearing up in between. Especially now Ernest has decided most food needs flinging far and wide as soon as it's placed in front of him, unless it's olives or chocolate!
I love it though, having them all home, not doing the school runs...just wish they would be a bit tidier.

Today we had a trip out to MOSI. The girls and I were not really looking forward to it, it's a bit of a geek fest for Woody and the big boys, especially Angus.
We had a good time though, and visited some of the buildings we usually don't have time for.
I loved the collections archive. All these miscellaneous items placed neatly behind glass in cupboards and drawers, rows and rows. I took photos, but wished I had time and a sketchbook with me.

I even got my camera out in the transport/aviation hall to photograph this plane because I loved the combination of the blue,the steel and the wood.

Ernest sang his way around, on my back before falling asleep.

Tomorrow, I'm promised a sewing day. I'm going to not think about how I should really be painting the kitchen walls. I'm going to sew!

Kitchen Table..Glow

2011-07-29T06:12:00.002Z

I'm taking part today in the Kitchen Table posts over at Glow.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)? Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?

It's two years and one week since Florence was born and died. I guess that means I'll start counting in years and weeks/months now. up until last week I was counting in months.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief? How much time do you think that will take? How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss? How much time do you think you need now?

Hmmm, that's such a hard question. I don't think in the early days after Florence's death I could even think about time, it was all I could do to breath. I know I realised quite early on that if I just kept on keeping on, putting one foot in front of the other every day, then one day ,I hopefully wouldn't have to think about putting one foot in front of the other.

I think I did have a vague idea that there would come this magical time when I'd transform into a wise and dignified bereaved mother, that I would cry sometimes,but that I would have stopped grieving.

Recently I realised that's never going to happen. this grief is forever, some days it's calm and no one would know, other days I can barely breath again, and there are all the days in between. There will always be triggers. I will always miss her, always wish she were here, always always love her.

I'm mostly ok with that, it is what it is.

3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital? How long did it thttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifake to get there?

About three months ago I went to the hairdressers, and while I was having my hair washed a song began to play that *always* makes me cry. Initially I panicked, I didn't want to cry in the hairdressers, so I made a concious decision to smile. I thought of my beautiful girl, her lovely soft skin, and her beautiful long fingers, of that moment I held her, before we knew, and I smiled.I also thought of another special little girl, that the song also reminds me of. That was a breakthrough for me.

4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased? Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like? Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you now feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?

I was so so very happy when I was pregnant with Florence. I loved almost every minute, I felt so lucky to be having a fifth child. I thought of her often, my instincts told me she was a girl, and her name came to me in a dream when I was just seven weeks pregnant. I was bonded to her from very early on, and remember remarking to another mother how I already felt her presence in our family, I already felt like Mummy to five. (Sadly I also remember a feeling of dread as I said this.)

I was standing as Florence was born, Woody and the midwife caught her on her speedy exit. I couldn't see her, and asked "where's my baby?". My midwife passed her up through my legs, and I held her and it was like meeting an old friend.

Florence died in my arms, and in turn Woody's arms. She didn't leave our arms for the rest of the day.
I had twenty plus vials of blood taken from my arm, and all the while I held on to Florence.
I washed her, I dressed her, I rocked her,walked with her and told her how all my kisses would be with her forever. Mine and Woody's tears fell on her face, and we wiped them away.

I'm so thankful for that time, it brings so much comfort to know she was in our loving arms for as long as she could be.

5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life. Where are you on this timeline, and you do you find that to be true?

I think that sounds about right, maybe something will jump up and take me by surprise,but I think I have incorporated my grief into my life.There might be others on the outside looking in who disagree,but it feels to me like I have.

6. There's a familiar saying, "Time Heals all wounds." Do you think this is true? Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay: "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?

Time does not heal, it creates a distance from which to view the wound, and sometimes it's all too easy to be whipped right back in time to the moment the wound was open, raw and bleeding.

7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)? How about your relationship with the past?

I could not think of the future at all in the immediate aftermath of florence's death, infact it took until some time after Ernest's birth that I could even look just days into the future. Honestly, I still find that hard, I don't plan more than a couple of weeks ahead. I even struggled to buy Ernest's birthday presents ahead of time.

There is a very large part of me living in the past. I've said this before,but I still think it's 2009, I know it isn't, but my heart is back there, still trying to save her.

8. How long did it take to answer these questions?

Not as long as I thought it would. These questions looked too hard at first glance, and I let them settle, but I think it's taken me about thirty minutes.

Perfectly timed rainbow.

2011-07-26T07:07:00.002Z

Perfectly timedhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif rainbow., originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I don't know why I didn't include this detail in yesterday's post. I didn't forget, but I think I'm still a little wary of that whole "signs" thing.

I think it was around seven on Friday evening when the heavens opened and the rain came. Ernest and I were in the loft, and the rain on the roof was deafening. Ernest had just nodded off on my shoulder as the rain cleared, the golden evening sunlight lit up the skies and there over the roof tops was this beautiful rainbow.
I know, so many would say it was a gift from Florence. Honestly I don't believe that, but I do believe it made my heart leap, and I dashed for the camera. (and one day I'll learn to take better pictures of rainbows)
Really it doesn't matter what I do or don't believe. Rainbows make me smile, and this perfectly timed rainbow lifted my heart for a few moments. x

A few days later

2011-07-25T11:26:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

And I'm ok. The run up to Florence's birthday was hard, so many ghosts. The day itself was calm and mostly ok.
We got up early,( I woke at 4.54am exactly) packed our picnic and Florence's flowers, and headed off to the cemetery via the balloon shop.

I almost burst into tears when the lady in the balloon shop asked if the balloons were for a birthday, but I didn't, and she quickly understood my mumbled reply and was very kind.

Of course, I should've bought spare balloons, not two minutes down the road and one had popped! Not really surprising with a car full of seven people, a picnic, a large bunch of flowers and eight helium filled balloons.

The cemetery was quiet, and sunny. We arranged the flowers, and the children blew bubbles left over from my brothers wedding. Then we let the balloons go.

We didn't plan it, but it just happened that we timed the balloon release for the time she died.

After the cemetery we headed off to Florence's wood for a picnic and a walk.

On the way home, both Woody and I were hit by a huge wave of exhaustion. I still forget just what a slog grief can be. Two years out and it's still so tiring, such toil.

Woody and I watched the sunrise on Saturday morning, and that's when the tears came.

I want to say thank you so much to everyone who remembered with us. We came home to flowers and cards, and messages, and they mean so much to us.

We love you baby girl x

Fairies in the woods

2011-07-22T15:10:00.001Z

Fairies in the woods, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

How did two whole years go by? We miss you sweetheart, today and everyday. x

Constant Companion

2011-07-18T13:22:00.001Z

Constant Companion, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

My pump has been my constant companion now for almost a year.I'm typing now while attatched! I definately have a love/hate relationship with it, how could I not?
In many ways I'm feeling a sense of relief getting to one year, the pressure is off to a certain extent. Ernest eats more family food now, and only takes about 700 mls of breastmilk a day. I know I'm so lucky to be able to pump that for him.
Going through my photographs over the past year I was surprised to see I had taken more breastfeeding photos than I thought I had, and in some of them we even look happy.
I know it's an indulgence, but I wanted to share some of our feeding photos here.
My intention is to take more of him feeding,even with his bottle. I still hate bottles,but I want a record of how we feed,and I want to try to be proud of pumping for him.

Our Busy Weekend

2011-07-17T21:05:00.001Z

Getting ready, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Getting ready for my brothers wedding.
(and the only full length photo of my dress)

The happy couple

The birthday boy

Flowers for Florence, there was a candle too.

And cake a day late

Joy

2011-07-15T08:23:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

A year ago today, I was sat in a waiting room on the delivery suite at my local hospital, waiting nervously to begin the process of induction that would bring this beautiful little boy safe into my arms.
Today I'm typing with him snuggled up on my lap and snoring.
We wont have much time tomorrow for Birthday posts, we'll be celebrating at my brothers wedding,but I wanted to take a little moment today just for Ernest.
He's changing into a fun little toddler, adored by the whole family.
He loves to clap his hands when we sing "If you're happy and you know it", and nod his head too...actually he nods his head to any questions, including the random silly questions from his biggest sister, "Ernest, are you a baby vampire?"...lots of nodding!
He loves to let the chickens out every morning with Daddy, and excitedly says "chick chick".
He's a busy baby, always exploring, yesterday I turned my back for a few moments to sort laundry and found him having fun with a tub of bread flour. (I did tell you our kitchen is all in boxes right now didn't I?)
He was so engrossed in play, I didn't have the heart to clean up straight away, and snapped some piccies instead while he played...maybe an indulgence only the youngest of six gets to enjoy.

July

2011-07-13T08:51:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

It feels like I've been waiting for July for so long,catching up with my shadows. It's not an easy month, but I'm glad of it. Sometimes I want it to always be July.

Sid had a birthday. He's six, unyet all day I kept thinking he was four, but of course knowing he was actually six.

Ernest will be one on Saturday, and my brother is getting married the same day.
I've finished my dress,(no completed piccies yet) but Ernest's outfit is still in pieces, and I have to try and squeeze around the boxes containing our new kitchen to sew it up before the weekend!

So, I'm here, squeezing past boxes, and getting on, and meeting with ghosts, but mostly trying hard to keep a lid on everything, and I think I'm doing ok.

Muriel Layed An Egg!

2011-06-28T18:58:00.001Z

egg, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

She's been a right stroppy hen these past few days, I knew she must be about to lay, and today she did. a perfect beautiful rather little egg.

I fried it. (this is the non photoshopped pic, there was a blood spot.)

Three children shared it.

What a clever hen!

Ceylon (work in progress)

2011-06-26T16:12:00.003Z

http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifwip, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've been wanting to try this Colette pattern for a while, and with my brother's wedding approaching, I had the perfect excuse for a new dress.
I'd heard the Colette patterns were good for us curvier ladies, and that certainly seems to be true of this design.
I cut out the size 14 (US) , and it fits really well across the bust, unlike most patterns which require a full bust adjustment if you are over a c cup.
I did have to take in about a cm in the side seams of the upper bodice, and about 4 cms off the waist and hips, but that was simple.
I also switched the gathered sleeves for a simple cap sleeve because I really don't like gathered sleeves on me, I think coupled with my boobage and my fat upper arms, gathered sleeves just make me look butch.
I wahttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifs really concerned about making 16 buttonholes down the front opening of this dress,but using my automatic buttonhole foot saved me much swearing. Why on earth I've not used it before, I can't think. I didn't even think to use it when I was making Heather's wedding dress.
Ordinarily, I don't think I would've chosen this fabric, but I think it works pretty well. I wanted something darker and with a softer drape, but this was in my stash and in the interests of saving money,I thought I'd give it a go.
I think I should've gone with my first plan of using brown piping along the midriff seams, and possibly the yoke seams, but I didn't have any, and wanted to get on...
I'm probably going to finish the hem with some brown velvet or grossgrain ribbon.
The buttons are covered, and I'm planning to sew those on tonight.
Hopefully I can get some better piccies in a few days when it's completely finished. Meanwhile these self taken ones will have to do. I did ask Woody to take some, but he focused in rather too much on the boob area...
All in all though, a great pattern, I'll probably make it again, and will definately be trying some of the others, I've got "Crepe" to try out next.

Furtive

2011-06-26T07:13:00.003Z

fur·tive/ˈfərtiv/Adjective
1. Attempting to avoid notice or attention, typically because of guilt or a belief that discovery would lead to trouble; secretive.

I don't know if this is normal amongst babyloss parents, and maybe I'll regret outing myself here,but I am guilty of furtively browsing the internet, and scrutinising photos of baby girls. I don't really go looking for them, but if I happen upon a cute photo of a little girl who might be around the same age Florence would be now, I'll look closer...I'll wonder if that little girl has longer hair than Florence would by now,would I be able to put a little bow in it? Would Florence still have that touch of red in her hair? Would her eyes be bluer than the little girl I'm looking at, her wrists chubbier?
I feel kinda guilty doing this, like I'm stealing little bits of little girls and trying to build my own, make her alive, Maybe that's how Mary Shelley (a fellow babyloss Mama) felt when she wrote Frankenstien?
I know this little excercise is futile, I can't make Florence alive again, and honestly it's not usually an enjoyable past time, it stabs at my heart,but I still do it.
Yesterday, I almost came undone because of it. I clicked on a link,a little toddler in a beautiful little dress, and little red shoes. I told myself I wanted a closer look at the dress, research you see for future pattern drafting. I clicked through several photos,looking at seam details, and wondering to myself, then it hit me, the caption, the little girl in the photo with the chubby wrists, and the bow in her hair was called Florence. I had to steady myself by holding on to my desk, as the room span and I tried to stop the tears from springing to my eyes.
Regaining my composure,I scolded myself for looking,but since that moment,I've felt so guilty, and so very stupid.
I can't conjure her up,I can't know how she would've been, I can only know what she was,but that was so brief.
I look at her photos every day, sometimes I examine every little crease on her face and fingers, and sometimes it hurts too much to look too closely.
I expect I'll always look just a little bit too long, and a little bit too longingly at girls the age she should be, and I guess it'll always sting just a little to hear her name belonging to someone else.

Mummy Milk Rocks!

2011-06-20T15:44:00.003Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

A recent online discussion amongst exclusively pumping Mamas made me re think my reluctance to have many photographic reminders of this, our way of feeding.
I still have a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness surrounding my inability to breastfeed Ernest, but reading about the experiences of others who have come to the end of their pumping times, and how they wish they'd had more photographic proof of their efforts, has encouraged me today to take some photos.
This, dear readers is my freezer stash. There is six months worth of hard hard work here...and there's more in the fridge.

I haven't had spare milk to freeze since the end of March. These days I seem to have the supply and demand thing going fairly smoothly. Pumping around 800 mls a day, and Ernest drinking all of that.
This stash is my insurance policy.

I also decided this morning that considering the work that went into making and pumping this milk, it deserved a bit more respect than just dumping in bin liners and chucking in the freezer.
I saw this great link for storing breastmilk, and thought I'd give it a go.

Unfortunately, I hadn't frozen all of my milk flat, but I have about a million gift bags, and decided to use those for storage instead of the nasty bin liners anyway.
This is much neater.

You know, it's funny, I hadn't realised just how much milk there was in my freezer. Rearranging it all made me quite proud of myself.

And just for fun, here is a pic India took of Ernest yesterday, licking the drips on the pumping flange, after I'd finished!

Silent Sunday

2011-06-19T13:11:00.001Z

Quiet

2011-06-18T15:27:00.003Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I'm a bit lost for words lately. Life around here goes on in it's everyday busy way, and for that I'm grateful.

We have a month of birthdays ahead of us, and of course that is on my mind. Sid will turn 6, Ernest will turn 1, and there will be another year marked without Florence.

We are looking forward to the summer holidays. We have nothing much planned,but it will be nice to not have to think about school for a while.

I'm easing myself back into working, though of course there is never enough time in the day to get as much done as I'd like.
These dungarees did finally make it into my store this afternoon, after a week of waiting to be listed.

I'm still battling the comfort eating. (I keep trying to write something about that,but can't quite get there.), and even went for a run this morning!!! Anyone who knows me well, will know what an achievement that was. (and yes it really does deserve three exclamation marks.)

Ernest and I hit the 11 month exclusive pumping mark the other day. He's eating more these days and I'm down to pumping only six times a day,around 800mls a day.
It's looking likely we'll make our second target of 1 year, though I never take anything for granted anymore. I still hope I can at least provide breastmilk for him until he's two.

So yep, life goes on....

Silent Sunday

2011-06-12T14:41:00.002Z

Flossie's Garden, (new Etsy store finally)

2011-06-06T19:42:00.001Z

It's taken me a while, but I've finally started adding stock to my new Etsy store. Some pinafores to begin with...

http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

There is more to come, bloomers, dungarees, trousers, for boys and for girls. I even have some pretties for Mummy in the pipeline.

Housekeeping

2011-05-30T08:09:00.003Z

The children are on school hoidays, and Woody has a few days off work, so we've been busy busy busy reorganising furniture, and attempting to catch up with the endless to do lists that come with a large family and an old house.
Another trip to B&Q beckons this morning!

I've got loads of sewing to be getting on with over the next few weeks, and having now moved my machines downstairs I might actually get some done. I can't work upstairs with Ernest under my feet, it's too cramped and dangerous. So my sewing desk is now our computer desk, and our computer desk is now my sewing desk downstairs.

I'm also getting my needles out to start knitting the lovely "Ernest" gansey in the latest edition of The Knitter Magazine. The very talented, Caroline designed it and named it after my Ernest, so I absolutely have to knit it up.

I've been having a tidy up around the blog too,some people may have noticed that my freebie pattern links down there on the left had stopped working, that's all fixed now, but let me know if you still have any problems.

I've also added some of my free patterns to Patternspot a great new site with lots of patterns ready to download. (And if you've used one of my freebies and want to leave me a review on the site, I'd be super happy.)

And because I can't possibly have a blog post without a photo, here are India and Ernest sharing a new game of peepo!

Right Where I Am Project ..22 months and 5 days.

2011-05-27T05:47:00.006Z

Thanks to Angie for initiating this project. Read more here.

***

Twenty Two months and five days.

I miss her.
I think of her a million times a day, I'm still half expecting her to come back to me.I still can't quite grasp that forever is forever.
I'm heartbroken.

That's the bare bones of it, but that's not everything.

Mostly it's a good life, Woody and the children anchor me to this life, and there is joy,pure joy. Not something I ever thought there could be again.

"The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain."
Kahlil Gibran

I remember reading these words on the blog of a friend shortly after Florence died, and another friend reminded me of them again recently. As time goes by they have more and more meaning.

What I've come to realise lately is that there will always be good days and bad days. I will always miss her, my grief for her will always be a part of me, just as my love for her is.

There will always be unexpected triggers in my daily life, but these days they don't always make me cry, sometimes I can smile.

A sunbeam will prompt me to whisper "Is that you love?" and I might feel a moment of warmth.

I feel her with me, so much so, that I'm baffled when others don't see her. Walking to school with the boys, she's there toddling along beside me. In the evenings as I snuggle Ernest down to sleep, I can imagine her lying right there with us, or lately toddling off to the garden with Woody to say goodnight to the chickens.

Yesterday, Woody and I took the boys out to an aquarium for the day. The girls were at school. We felt very strange with just three children with us, but at the same time, it was nice to do something with just the boys.
And then my eye catches a little girl in the cafe, about two years old, her wisps of wavy hair pinned back from her eyes, holding on to her Daddy's hand, and waving to the fish....it's a kick in the guts...she's missing.
Just moments later, another little girl, this time in a wheelchair, severely disabled, her Daddy showing her some little toys from the gift shop, and I feel like the universe is forcing me to see that I don't know what I'm missing. Had Florence survived would that be her life? We'll never know.

Forever is forever, and we'll never know why. We'll never know why her lungs filled with blood and not air. Why she had to leave us....

Damn! I wanted to write something hopeful for those finding their way here soon after their losses, and here I am heading down that same pathway, the one I've gone over and over a million times.

It's complicated this life without her, sometimes I feel there are shadows of myself in different lives, all stemming back to 22nd July 2009. There is a huge part of me still there, willing her to live, hoping for a different outcome, and then I'm here. I see a different me in the mirror, an older, darker, sadder me.

I just miss her. x

Where I can be found most days.

2011-05-22T15:32:00.001Z

Fave part of the garden, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This is my favourite spot lately. I'm often found chatting to the hens, but then so is everyone else. One thing for sure is, they wont get lonely!

I will get some sewing done soon hopefully!

Please Vote

2011-05-19T09:25:00.001Z

The lovely Merry has been nominated for a fabulous blog award. Please do pop over and vote for her.
I'm partly wanting you to vote for selfish reasons, cos I want to see a babyloss blogger win an award, but mostly because Merry is a wonderful woman, with a great blog and she deserves a little bit of sunshine.

Meet My Girls!!

2011-05-15T16:29:00.003Z

Erica, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Muriel, Cleo and Erica, our chickens. Erica (above) is posing for you!
I've had a frantically busy busy busy weekend, with Eden's cheerleading competition yesterday, and today I was at a chicken keeping course, and brought home our new girls.

Muriel and Erica.

Erica and Cleo

They are settling in to their new home.

They are not quite ready to lay, but will be soon. I'm very fond of them already, I think we all are.

A little pressie to myself

2011-05-06T15:38:00.002Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I spotted this platter in the window of my local charity shop the other day, but the price tag was rather high at £5, so I left it to think about it, telling myself if it was still there by today then it was obviously meant to come home with me.
I spose at least the £5 went to a good cause.

Plapple Jam

2011-05-01T16:40:00.003Z

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing."

....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination.

Most days I guess this is just how it is, today was one of those days. One of those busy days, with too much to do, too much to think about and a deadline to keep, but I still decided to make jam, having never made it before, but reluctant to throw out perfectly good (if a little past it's best) fruit that no one was willing to eat.

I chucked some chopped plums and apples into a pan.

Added rather a lot of sugar.

Left it bubbling away.

And ta da!! Jam!

Angus named it Plapple Jam (Plum and Apple), and the children each made a label.

It was loud, and busy, and chaotic, and fun, ....and she was missing x

Romper

2011-04-29T16:02:00.002Z

Romper, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I have tried, but it's impossible to get a really good shot of this new romper suit on a very busy baby, who will not sit still for more than a second at a time
Still, at least in this shot you can see the gorgeous squidgeyness of Ernest's thighs, which is why I designed the romper in the first place.
This is the first draft of a new pattern I designed with the aid of my new pattern drafting software.
Usually I draft patterns from a basic block with help from the rather fab Aldrich books, and information gleaned haphazardly over the years, but I thought drafting software might save me some time, a precious commodoty around here, so I asked for the software for my birthday.
I did have some reservations, the purist in me thought drafting software was kinda cheating, but actually it's pretty good, and I'm certain once I get the hang of all I can do with it, will be just as creative as all the tracing and graph paper efforts are.
I haven't figured out the pattern piece alterations part yet, so I designed a general shape, and did my usual designing by cutting up the pattern pieces from the basic garment shape, so this romper is half CAD designed, and half scissors, tape measure and pencil designed....am I making any sense?
Probably not, lets just say I'm not a techy!

As a first draft I'm pretty pleased with this design. There are some alterations I'm going to make. More length in the body and more poof in the bodice. I might even hand smock the next one.

Baby Eric

2011-04-26T19:51:00.001Z

DSC_0009, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This little bundle is the news I was waiting on all weekend. Eric arrived safely skinside at 3 this morning.

Mummy and Daddy are doing great.

It's All Distraction

2011-04-25T17:34:00.001Z

six little eggs, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Waiting with my heart pounding in my chest for news from someone I love.
Distraction is needed, a little sewing....

And preperation for chickens...

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments on yesterdays post, they mean more to me than you probably know. x

A Million Little Things

2011-04-24T08:25:00.004Z

Florence feels distant to me lately, it's as though she's just out of sight, a glimmer of her in the corner of my eye in a sunbeam,but when I try to find her she's gone.
Maybe I'm starting to accept she is gone? Maybe I've always thought she might be coming back?
I'm not at all sure of anything, except I think this current numbness may well be temporary. I certainly hope so, because I don't want to feel this way forever, I think I prefer the constant tears to this.

A wise person said to me recently that everything I'm feeling is normal, that maybe some of my grief was put on hold while I prepared for Ernest's birth, and again while I dealt with all of his feeding issues.
I think that's certainly possible.

Life doesn't stand still though, each time I think I might be catching up with the now, dragging myself kicking and screaming from July 2009, I find that life is still moving on.
Ernest is 9 months now, he's moving on to older babyhood. He's crawling and pulling himself up, and developing a sense of humour. He loves his Daddy and puts his arms out to him as soon as he's home from work. He's just so alive and wonderful.

I was shopping in the supermarket a week ago. I'd left Woody and the older children arguing over a dessert for dinner, and gone to find shampoo, with Ernest tucked in the sling.
An elderly lady approached us, and commented on what a beautiful baby Ernest is. She asked me if he was my first, and I replied no, that he was my sixth. She asked me if I was catholic, I'm not, but she said she was, though only had one child, then she corrected herself and said she had three, but she had lost two. My heart skipped a beat, and I wanted to say I understood, and my baby was gone too, but she did what I try to do, and she moved the conversation on before I had the chance. I guess she'd had a lot more practice than me.
We chatted for a while, and as we parted she said how much she'd enjoyed chatting, and that Ernest was far too much of an old fashioned name for such a beautiful baby.
I know I'll almost probably never see her again, I know it was just a random polite chat in the supermarket, but I feel guilty that I didn't validate her lost children, I didn't even say I was sorry.
I told her, I'd enjoyed our chat too, and I hoped she'd have a nice evening. I hope she did.

And this is how it is, a million small things,but there's no happy ending, no neatly tied up package. I think maybe I've been waiting for a time when all the grief is done and I'm just accepting.
She's been gone 21 months, and I'm still struggling with forever.
I'll always grieve, maybe sometimes harder than others, maybe accepting that is what I need to do.

I've been archiving all my posts about Florence, slowly going through them. I want to protect those thoughts, put them somewhere safe. I want to put Florence somewhere safe, a pocket inside my heart.

Like many babyloss mamas who blog I feel like a stuck record. Going through my older posts I realise I've repeated myself even more than I suspected I had. I don't know how much longer I can go on doing that here in this space, and still feel I'm keeping Florence safe.

My recent experiences have taught me, that outside of my bubble, actually the *vast majority don't give a shit, and want me to STFU already. To most people Florence was not a person, but "just a baby", and I'm all cured now having Ernest here.
Some people might even think I'm not grateful for what I do have, that I'm wallowing...it has been suggested.

I'm not going to remove my posts from this blog, I'm just putting them somewhere safe too, and pondering what to do next.

*I'm very aware that some of what I'm saying here might hurt and upset those of you reading that do give a shit, and do understand, that's not my intention at all. You are not included in that "vast majority".

Power Pumping, Porridge and Supplements

2011-04-17T11:09:00.004Z

My milk supply has dipped by around 200mls a day over the past few weeks. It all started just after the incident with the counsellor. I was so panicky and upset for days afterwards, and had several pumping sessions when my milk simply wouldn't let down.
I realised what was happening, but it's hard to stop that cycle of stress once it begins. I tried dropping my shoulders, deep breathing, leaving the pump on flutter sucking for longer than usual, positive visualisations, and the milk would flow...eventually.
I'm still pumping enough for Ernest, but my buffer of being a couple of bottles ahead of his needs has gone, and I've had to dip into our freezer stash. while our freezer stash is huge, I'm not really happy with the situation as it is.
Maybe I'm unrealistic, but I want to provide breastmilk for Ernest for as long as possible. My long term goal is two years, which when you consider I would have aimed to breastfeed him for at least three or four years, is still quite a compromise on my ideals.
So, I'm power pumping*, eating porridge for breakfast and back on the motherlove supplements.
And as if that wasn't enough of a time drain, I decided this morning was the perfect time to spring clean my bedroom, and move several pieces of furniture too.
I'm now sat amidst total chaos, with an overtired teething (almost two teeth just breaking through!) baby who is nap refusing...sigh. x

* Power Pumping is mimicking a growth spurt by pumping very frequently, thereby telling the brain that you need to make more milk. Some women set up the pump and simply pump for ten minutes or so every time they pass,(obviously within reason), others pump to a tighter schedule than usual. I'm currently pumping every two hours,(ordinarily I pump every 3/4 hours, and can leave it 5 hours so long as I make up the time later) and will do probably at least until tomorrow. It usually takes a couple of days for my body to get the message I need to make more milk, but everyone is different.

15 Years Ago

2011-04-16T15:57:00.002Z

India, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I became a Mother, Woody became a Father, we became a family.

India is 15 today.

We had lunch in the garden

Under the bunting

Happy Birthday India.

Leek And Cheese Quiche

2011-04-16T12:23:00.003Z

We've been internet-less for more than two days! School holidays, and children far too reliant on the www, (not to mention Woody and me) with no connection has been less than easy I can tell you!

Anyway, after my last post, I had a few requests for Woody's leek and cheese quiche recipe. He's a very instinctive cook, and it took a little nagging to get him to write it down, and lets just say it's not exactly a wordy recipe, but here it is for those who asked.

Leek and potato quiche

shortcrust pastry blind baked in a 26cm quiche dish
6 eggs
approx 100-150ml cream
1 leek chopped and sweated in butter
approx 6 new potatoes boiled and diced
approx 150-200 grams grated Gruyère cheese
salt and pepper

lightly whisk eggs and cream then add all other ingredients and pour into pastry case.
Bake at 180 C for approx 45 mins

Morcambe, A Day Out

2011-04-12T07:13:00.004Z

Picnic in the car., originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I decided I wanted to see Morcambe. Actually, I quite fancied afternoon tea at the recently refurbished, art deco Midland Hotel, but the reality of afternoon tea in a nice hotel with five children in tow put paid to that idea, and we took along our usual birthday picnic.
Daddy's excellent leek and potato quiche, with a mug of hot tea from a kiosk on the sea front, eaten of course in the car in the rain!

After the picnic, we donned wellies and raincoats for a play in Happy Mount Park.

The sun did decide to shine eventually, for the obligatory photos with Eric.

We couldn't resist one of Eric and Ernie..

Ernest even got his first play on a beach. (wearing his new Mummy made reversable dungarees.)

And you know something? I had a pretty good day. x

Not Stopping

2011-04-09T14:41:00.001Z

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Ernest is on the move, and busy busy busy.
Busy babies need dungarees.

That should do for a start.

For Freddie

2011-04-02T19:37:00.001Z

For Freddie, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Lighting my candle for Florence this evening, and adding a candle for Freddie.x

Working Through The UFO Box

2011-03-28T20:24:00.003Z

Therapy, the kind that works for me, simple sewing, simple knitting, some spring cleaning, and time safe with my family.

Ernest modelling one of his new bibs.

And some bunting. (more bunting on my other blog.)

Drained and left wondering

2011-03-26T10:34:00.003Z

I've had a letter from my doctor, written before she'd have received my letter. Written in fact on the same day of my appointment. It would appear she agrees with the counsellor, judging by this line:

"Obviously our counsellors are unable to see you beneficially while you have your baby with you..."

Hmm, I'm not sure how it's obvious?

This whole experience has left me drained, with a sick feeling in my guts that I can't shake.I actually feel worse now than when I first went to see my doctor.

I'm not sure what to do now, I can't face going back to that surgery, after only just starting to feel like I could again.
I know I couldn't face another counselling session with anyone else.
I think maybe I just need to keep Florence safe inside my heart and be much more careful with her in future.

Woody thinks I may still get an apology from my doctor, I'm not holding my breath.

EDIT

It would seem Woody's optimism of an apology was not so foolish. I've received another letter this morning, restoring some lost faith in my gp, though none whatsoever in the counselling on offer.
Apparently the counsellor's supervisor has advised that "...because of the nature of the counselling, a baby being present...wasn't appropriate."

Wondering why I bothered.

2011-03-22T16:43:00.002Z

Maybe sharing this letter here is not my wisest decision yet, frankly I'm so angry and upset right now, I don't care.
It's been a shitty day.

A letter to my gp:

Dear Dr T
I would like to thank you for your understanding when I came to the surgery a few weeks ago to discuss how difficult I was finding life after the sudden death of my daughter Florence in July 2009.
I'm sure you appreciate just how difficult it was for me to admit I was having problems coping emotionally.
I was relieved when you suggested counselling, and very much hoped being able to talk to someone outside of my family and close friends would be beneficial.
I remember at that appointment telling you I would only be able to attend daytime appointments if my youngest son (8 months old) would be welcome too. I honestly did not expect it to be a problem. He is still a babe in arms, safe in my sling,and feeding or sleeping. I am rarely without him, and after losing my daughter, I find even the thought of leaving him with anyone other than my husband, far too stressful.
My husband was able to take some time off work last week, and so for my first counselling session I was able to leave Ernest with him. When I explained to the counsellor that I would be bringing Ernest to future appointments, she did say it might be an issue, since the appointments were “about you”, but firmly believing that babies under one should be with their mothers as much as possible, I assured her it would not be a problem for me to have Ernest present.
I simply do not have anyone who could take care of Ernest anyway. My family lives in Birmingham, my mother in law in Wales, and my father in law is currently recovering from a hip replacement. The only friend available during the day who could take care of him, (because he knows her well.) lives a 20 minute car journey away and is currently taking pain medication which means she can't drive.
Today I came along to my second appointment, with Ernest happily snug in my sling. I was nervous, I hadn't particularly found the first session helpful, and had some small misgivings about the counsellor I was trying to not focus on.
After taking me upstairs to the counselling room, the counsellor began to explain to me that she couldn't see me with Ernest present, as it was “inadvisable”, and “against surgery rules”. (something I'm frankly baffled by, since over the years I've had several of my children present, as babies for various procedures including a cervical smear.)
I was confused, and I think my first reaction was to say that in that case I couldn't come. My perception was that the counsellor was quite confrontational. I'm not sure what reaction she expected from me, but I was feeling particularly vulnerable.
She suggested I go back on the waiting list for an evening appointment, but first asked me if I even wanted to continue with counselling.
I left the surgery in a hurry, with my head spinning, and trying very hard not to cry.
The counsellor said she had decided to wait to tell me she couldn't see me with Ernest present, rather than telephone me, which I find a curious choice, since it would've been far easier for me not to have to come to the surgery to hear her decision.
As I explained to you at my appointment, Ernest has had some feeding difficulties, and I am exclusively pumping breast milk for him. To accommodate a 12 o'clock appointment, I had to re arrange my pumping schedule, make sure Ernest was fed, and then walk for 20 minutes to get to the surgery. Incidentally I had that same 20 minute walk home, all the time trying not to sob in the street.
I'm left now with a feeling of deep disappointment, and a mistrust of counselling. I'm sorry I confided some of my story in this particular counsellor at my first session.
I'm proud of my daughter Florence, and will do whatever I can to protect her memory, and the tiny bit I have of her.
For this reason I'm now sorry I came to you for help, and I would like to cancel the appointment I had with you to follow up.

A quick cheap make

2011-03-20T15:55:00.002Z

Kitchen Towels, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Take ten Ikea towels, (Nackten, 19p each), Two fat quarters of your fave fabrics, plus a swatch of co ordinating fabric. (I've used my Blue Dahlia fabrics.)

Cut each fat quarter into five equal strips to fit the short edge of each towel. Press under 5mm all the way around and stich to your towel using any stitch you fancy. Use the scraps left over, (and the swatch of co ordinating fabric) to make hanging loops, and decorative labels.

Quick, cheap, and now I have pretty kitchen towels all ready for the kitchen we ordered today. (so exciting!)

Everyday Sunshine

2011-03-19T07:31:00.001Z

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

There is a little meadow on my route to school, and it's such a magical little place at this time of year. First filled with snowdrops, then crocus....

And then yellow daffodils.

These photos were taken yesterday for Merry, and for Freddie. x

Eight Months Of Pumping

2011-03-17T10:42:00.001Z

Just a note to warn you, that yes I am about to blather on yet again about not being able to breastfeed Ernest if you are sick of hearing about it I wont be offended if you hit delete, hey I wont even know. I realise I'm something of a stuck record, but this is my blog and I can blather on endlessly if I want to so there!

Ernest was eight months old yesterday,he crawls commando style all around the floor, and today bashed two cups together for the first time. He's growing and doing, and just gorgeous.

A little while ago, my friend encouraged me to write down our breastfeeding (or not!) story, and submit it to the LLL magazine, Breastfeeding Matters. This month it's featured, and it's quite a relief to get the story out there.

This is our story up until Ernest was 14 weeks:

Ernest was born 16th July 2010 at 37 weeks. Labour was induced early because a year earlier his sister Florence had died suddenly and unexpectedly shortly after birth, following a robustly healthy pregnancy and very normal home birth.

He nuzzled and licked the breast immediately after birth ,but didn't latch on immediately. I was not concerned however as all of my babies have taken an hour or two before latching on properly. (I have four older children too.)

As expected Ernest latched on a while later and fed constantly as anyone would expect. We struggled a little because he was so much smaller than all my other babies had been at only 7lbs 1oz, and his mouth was so very tiny, trying to latch on to my large nipples clearly wasn't easy for him.

We spent a day up on the ward after he was born and then went home. Bringing home our beautiful living child after the trauma of losing our precious daughter the previous year was something of a shock to both myself and my husband. We were in a highly emotional state, and looking back really just in shock, and so very relieved that Ernest was living that we failed to notice that things were already starting to go down hill.

Ernest developed jaundice, something I'd noticed while still in hospital and mentioned to the paediatrician, but didn't think too much of as my eldest four had also had jaundice which was simply treated with lots of breastfeeds.
By day five though,Ernest was glowing bright bright yellow, and to my horror had also lost 13% of his birth weight. Tests showed his bilirubin levels were extremely high and we were admitted back to the women's unit at our local hospital, the night before the anniversary of our daughter's death.

Ernest was treated with phototherapy and I was encouraged to express my milk after each feed, and that milk was cup fed to Ernest by an extremely patient midwife.

After two very stressful and tearful days in hospital Ernest's bilirubin levels came down to a safe level and he had gained 50g, so we were discharged home.

I was told there was no need to continue expressing my milk, that I clearly had a good supply, (in fact meeting a paediatrician a week later he referred to me as the lady with the good supply) and that feeding seemed fine. At this point it did look to the casual observer that Ernest was feeding well,I had no pain, and after all I'd done this before, I was an experienced breastfeeder.

Just a few days later though and Ernest was more yellow than ever and once again losing weight.(He now weighed only 5lbs 10oz) We were admitted to hospital again. This time to the children's ward. Ernest was extremely sleepy as we were admitted, and there was talk of tube feeding and drips. Once again he was treated with phototherapy ,but when the nurse came to fit his feeding tube he woke up enough to feed, and after observing his feeding, the nurse decided there was no need for the feeding tube.
I began expressing again after each feed, and trying to cup feed, but Ernest didn't seem to be able to lap up the milk, and I was basically pouring it into his mouth.
By morning Ernest's bilirubin levels were down to a safe level , and we were again discharged home.

Once at home , we were visited by our midwife, who weighed Ernest and found he'd lost more weight despite the cup feeds and the constant breastfeeding. His nappies were still green and rarely wet. He was by now only just getting enough calories to keep his organs functioning, and my breasts felt empty and not as I would expect them at only 11 days post partum.

I was starting to realise something was very very wrong.

My midwife sat very close to me and moving some of my breast tissue to one side (I have large breasts), we could both clearly see that Ernest's latch was extremely poor,and he would slip off the breast easily with very little suction at all, and she confirmed what I had been thinking, that she thought Ernest had a tongue tie.

The next day I went to see the hospital lactation consultant who confirmed a posterior tongue tie, and a high bubble palate. She arranged an appointment for Ernest's tongue tie to be snipped the following Monday, day 16, and explained that the high palate would fix itself as Ernest grew.

By now I was pumping every two hours day and night to increase my dwindling milk supply, and bottle feeding Ernest after each breast feed , as he simply couldn't latch to the breast enough to get more than a few drips of milk. I was also having to give small amounts of formula until my milk supply could catch up.

The tongue snipping went well, but our efforts to feed immediately afterwards were sabotaged by the jaundice nurse wanting to complete Ernest's blood tests before her shift ended. By the time I was “allowed” to feed him he was hysterical, and all I wanted to do was go home.

Ernest began to gain weight, and with the support of my local LLL leaders I researched as much as I could about tongue tie, and about increasing my supply.

Two weeks later, after obsessively watching Ernest's attempts to feed at the breast I once again visited the lactation consultant at my local hospital. I was convinced his tongue had either re healed or not been snipped enough, and I was also concerned about how tight his labial frenulum was, and how he seemed unable to open his mouth wide, preferring to pull the nipple (and the bottle teat) into his mouth like he was sucking up spaghetti.

I had by now managed to drop the formula, and increased my supply to meet Ernest's demands plus a little extra. Ernest was gaining weight and catching up fast, but he was refusing the breast,screaming and arching his back whenever I tried. He preferred the faster flow of bottle feeding, and because he refused to latch,we couldn't even try using the SNS I had bought when we first realised he needed supplementing.

The lactation consultant, assured me his tongue was now free, and dismissed my other concerns. She simply suggested I try using nipple shields to wean him from the bottle to the breast.

We had limited success with the nipple shields. Ernest would latch on (very poorly), drink the initial letdown, but seemed unable to actually milk the breast.

During this time we tried everything, finger feeding, biological nursing, bottle feeding next to a naked breast. We had weekend after weekend of nurse ins, and nothing seemed to be working, except the cranial osteopathy, that helped enormously in calming Ernest and in helping his high palate to spread.

Desperate I tried to get an appointment with an out of area lactation consultant, who refused to see me because we were out of area and Ernest was by then 12 weeks old.

All the while, I had fantastic support from friends,family and my local LLL leaders. Fiona, one of those leaders pushed for us to be seen by another out of area lactation consultant, and although she couldn't fit us in for an appointment for some time, she did talk to me over the telephone, and during that conversation mentioned a doctor she had heard of who had helped a mother and baby with similar problems.
After our conversation I googled this doctors name, and fired off an email to him,not expecting to hear anything back,but thinking that it was at least worth a try.

The very next day, the doctor's secretary telephoned me to say he would see us the following afternoon at the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital!
We went to see him, and he immediately diagnosed a tight posterior tongue tie that hadn't been snipped enough, and said Ernest's tight labial frenulum was obviously causing him pain and stopping him breastfeeding. (Ernest could not flange his top lip at all)
He admitted Ernest to the ward immediately for a general anaesthetic and surgery the following morning!

We were allowed home for the night, and after many tears and much agonising and telephone counselling from Souad and Helen, two more of my local LLL leaders, we decided to go ahead with the surgery the next morning.

Ernest was one day off 14 weeks when he had the procedure. He was under general anaesthetic for ten minutes and out of my arms for forty. As soon as he woke up I was astonished at how he could now open his mouth, and how much movement his tongue now had.
We tried to breastfeed immediately,but Ernest was too frantically hungry, as we'd had to starve him for four hours before the surgery. So he had his bottle of EBM, and I could see straight away how much easier he found feeding from a bottle, something he often struggled with too.

Ernest is now 16 weeks old, and unfortunately still refusing the breast. He has a classic case of nipple preference, but I'm still hopeful.

I offer the breast frequently, and usually he just grins at me and licks the nipple until milk drips, and then he catches those...little monkey!

We are doing tongue exercises, and we may try finger feeding again now that he is gaining more control of his tongue.

There are days when I am philosophical about our breastfeeding experience so far, and I'm prepared to pump milk for Ernest for as long as I'm able if he never gets the hang of breastfeeding, but I'm not putting a time limit on this. I have heard stories of babies choosing to latch at around the four/five month mark,and I'm really really hoping that given the opportunity Ernest will be one of those babies.

There are also dark days, when I cry and I ache to feed Ernest, as I did my older children. Breastfeeding is about so much more than milk,and I have to work harder to mother my baby this way.

I know though, that whatever the future holds I have the support of my local LLL group and leaders. They have mothered me when I've needed it, and offered practical help when I've needed that too. I'm very grateful to count them as friends.

****

Since I wrote this piece, I think I've come to accept that Ernest will almost certainly never feed from the breast. That hasn't been an easy fact to face, and there have been some very very dark moments along the way.
We still enjoy plenty of skin to skin times, and I never say never,it's not completely unheard of for older babies to latch on.

Some time over Christmas I gave up the daily struggle of trying to latch Ernest to the breast. The mere thought of offering, however nonchalantly I tried to make that offer was enough to set my heart racing, my head spinning, and the tears spring instantly to my eyes. There was only so much rejection I could handle.

I wrote about it a little here, and discovering this post on another blog by a Mama with a similar story was such a relief, it made so much sense. I definitely needed to make my boobs a happy place.

Meanwhile though, pumping has become our way, we pump seven times a day, including the middle of the night. It's second nature now, Ernest stirs first,between 1-3am and while I would've pulled my other children in to my breast , I wake, sit up, pass Ernest to Woody, who feeds him a bottle of EBM, while I plug myself into the pump. By the time I'm done pumping, Ernest has snuggled back to sleep with Woody, I steal him back, and settle back down to sleep with him, until he wakes me again with his snufflings,, around 4-5am, and I sit up to feed him more EBM. It's a far cry from those lovely nights feeding the others, when by now, all I'd need to do is perhaps a bit of nipple guidance, then drift back off to sleep, but it's become our way, maybe one day I'll look back with some little fondness to our way...maybe?

****

If you have somehow found this page because you too are having problems with tongue tie, posterior tongue tie, high palate, or lip tie, then here are some of the books and sites I found useful.

Books

I think I re read every breastfeeding book on my book shelves and every other breastfeeding book I could get my hands on in the early days, but the one book I found really helped point me in the right direction regarding a diagnosis, and also helped me to fine tune my understanding of how to increase and maintain my milk supply was "Making More Milk"
This book is easy to read, which is all important in those early sleep deprived and stressed out days, and it makes it a much simpler process to figure out just what might be going on with you and your baby. I owe a lot to this book.

Another book, actually came free with my pump, and at first I simply dismissed it,but actually it was very very helpful. "Exclusively Pumping Breastmilk" by Stephanie Casemore. The author is a pumping mother, and it's an excellent resource for any mothers who may find themselves exclusively pumping. The information I found within the pages of this book were far better than any advice I was given by my local lactation consultant, who told me when Ernest was only a few weeks old that I only need pump four times a day for ten minutes. Had I followed that advice, I highly doubt I'd still be pumping enough milk for Ernest at eight months old.

Websites

What would I have done without Kellymom? I'd spend hours going over and over page after page on this wonderful site. So much information.
A few pages I found helpful:

"Help, My Baby Wont Nurse!" (this page is one I read over and over again)

Pumping and Bottlefeeding (incl storage guidelines.)

Breastfeeding A Baby With Tongue Tie

Then, there is MOBI
I can honestly say that finding this site and the associated yahoo group was a turning point for me. The women who make up the yahoo group are inspiring, working damn hard to give their baby's as much breastmilk as they can, under sometimes very very demanding situations.
The women here pointed me in the direction of Dr Kotlow's website, and the work he does with tongue and lip ties.
It was seeing the articles on his site, and the photos of tongue and lip ties that convinced me I was on the right track with my instincts that something more was going on with Ernest than I was being led to believe. Ernest's lip tie was a class iv according to the photos on this leaflet.

I should say here that another Mama from MOBI has put together a great list of symptoms of PTT (and associated problems like lip tie) here, along with some stories from Mamas and babies that have been affected (including mine and Ernest's), and other useful resources.Well worth checking out.

Finally, I'm adding the link to the doctor who treated Ernest, Patrick Sheehan I'm so grateful to him for seeing us so promptly after I contacted him. I wish we had known about him sooner, and still don't understand why we were not referred to him by our lactation consultant much earlier, and why I had to keep plugging on looking for help, and finally an out of area lactation consultant had to tell me about a doctor that treats patients so close to where I live.
Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but I can't help thinking that had Ernest been treated when I suspected a problem, he may well be breastfeeding now. I guess we'll never know.
At the very least Dr Sheehan has enabled Ernest to feed more easily from a bottle, and to feed without pain...heck he couldn't even open his mouth properly until the lip tie was snipped!

And I'm going to leave it there for now,(unless I suddenly remember anything super important to add, which I might.
Please please leave a comment if you've been through a similar experience (or even if you haven't ) and would like to add anything useful, or just say hi, I'd love to hear from you.

***
Resources and articles I've come across since writing this post:

The Funny Shaped Woman, Introducing the Maxillary Labial Frenulum
Maddie's Musings, The Kindest Cut
Analytical Armadillo, The Cause Of Your Baby's Reflux/Wind/Colic?

Milk Matters, The Hidden Cause Of Feeding Problems.
Frenectomy Today, Another Tongue Tie and Lip Tie Experience.
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NOTE

If you are looking here for the tongue/sucking skills excercises I posted earlier, I have taken them down while I seek permission from the author to publish them here.
Thank you to Hannah who pointed me in the direction of the author, it seems I had the incorrect intial for her and was googling the wrong name!
The author is Catherine W Genna, her website is here her book Supporting Sucking Skills is available on amazon.

Remembering Dad

2011-03-11T16:38:00.002Z

I remember the day this photo was taken, it was a warm summers day in 1973. I'd been shopping with my Mum and my brothers, and I remember being very proud of my lovely smock and shorts.
When we got home from shopping, my Dad had finished his shift as groundsman at the dog track we lived on, and was snoozing on our terribly 70's white plastic sofa with the orange cushions.
Mum had borrowed a camera from her brother and we dragged our poor sleepy Dad outside to the yard to take them. He hated having his photo taken, and sadly there are really only a small handfull of photos of him in existence, he was so good at avoiding the camera.
This photo is small, tatty, out of focus, but one of my treasures.
Love you Dad, twenty four years today since you left us. I'll see you in my dreams on the beach showing Florence the waves. x

Just some pics

2011-03-04T12:42:00.001Z

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Today is World Book Day dressing up at the bigger boys school.
I really wasn't in the mood for making complicated costumes, so we improvised with outfits we already had.
Sid is the prince from Sleeping Beauty. I bigged up the cutting down of thorny bushes and kept very quiet about the kissing of princesses, and so he was more than happy to wear his Knights costume we bought in Scotland last Summer.

Angus is a pirate from Treasure Island, with the help of some old pj trousers, stripey socks,a fat quarter of stripey cotton, Mummy's belt and some cardboard and aluminium foil. (This is his pirate face)

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, thanks to to some gentle butt kicking from various people I kept my appointment with my doctor this morning. She was really quite lovely, and is organising some counselling for me. Of course there is a waiting list, but I do have (at least for mow) a small sense of relief having just taken the first step of talking to someone.

Starting Something New

2011-02-27T17:15:00.001Z

Mood Board 1, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Sharing my mood boards with you. x

Busy Busy Busy

2011-02-26T19:19:00.002Z

Button Detail, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Half term has been hectic, though I couldn't really tell you what we've done, all I know is it's been busy, lots of children coming and going,while I've had a snotty baby stuck like glue (or snot) most of the week.
I have done a little sewing here and there too.

Oh yes, and check out my other blog for the winner of my last give away.

A Little Sheepish

2011-02-19T11:45:00.003Z

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

After yesterday's outburst, I'm feeling a little sheepish this morning, but very very thankful for all your kind and thoughtful comments. (always!)
It's half term here, and I'm hoping a rest, or rather a change of routine will shed a different light on things, but when the children are back to school in a weeks time, I'm going to screw up all my courage and seek help, if I don't you each have permission to boot me hard in the direction of my gp surgery!

I've not been idle this week, I've several projects on the go,but I've finished another little vest for Ernest, using the same Pickles pattern as before, and some beautiful yarn I was gifted just after Ernest was born.

Oh yes, and check out my other blog there's a Flossie's Garden give away.

A Simple Truth?

2011-02-18T13:16:00.003Z

For some months now I've been avoiding something, I've skirted around the issue, dipped my toes in the water, but hastily withdrawn again.

There is a fine line between grief and depression, I know from experience. My Dad died suddenly in his early forties while my brothers and I were at school.I was a month off my 18th birthday, my brothers were 16 and 15. My Mum was widowed at 35. None of us coped terribly well, but that's a whole other story.

I remember sitting in the hospital after Florence died, holding her in my arms and telling Woody I couldn't do grief again. I don't know if he remembers that or not.

For some months now I've been stepping carefully along that fine line, keeping, or so I thought, just this side of depression.

After Ernest was born, and I met our health visitor for the first time, before anyone had a chance to brief her on our history. I explained about Florence, ignored the head tilt, and tried to ignore the little alarm bells going off in her head. I vehemently denied I was a candidate for post natal depression. I had PND with Eden, I knew what it was, and it wasn't the same as grief. I reassured her, I would know if I was depressed, and I thought I would.

Am I now? I don't know.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, but show me a Mum of a baby that isn't?

I'm managing my anxiety better, the flashbacks are less frequent.

My house is as clean as you might expect, the children, are fed, and clean, and loved.

I shower, put on make up, blow dry my hair.

I make things.

To a casual observer I'm fine, I even smile and laugh, make eye contact and small talk....

....but inside I'm hollow, and I cry. I cry every day. Sometimes silent weeping, sometimes howling breathless sobbing. Mostly I cry in secret, when Woody is at work and the big ones are at school. I cry when I'm busy, and when I'm still...is that normal?

I admitted my secret crying to Woody the other day, a first step maybe? a first step to what though? Getting better? I'll never be better, I don't want to be. I have so very little of Florence, that this pain sometimes feels like the only connection.

I suppose I know I need to seek some professional help, but I'm not quite brave enough yet. I'm so terribly afraid of a diagnosis. I don't want to hear "post natal depression" , it seems too trivial to fit (And i know PND is not trivial at all, I've been there.). I want to hear "heartbroken", because that's what I am, even that phrase I hate so much, mentioned by my lovely friend in the early days, "complicated grief" would suit me better. (sorry K, you know I love you.)

But you see, I'm fine really. I'm crying now, but I'll dry my tears,re apply my mascara and head out to school. I'll smile and wave at the lollipop lady, I'll buy treats on the way home, then come home and hoover the floor, do the laundry...I'm fine.

But the simple truth? I miss her.x